Dalton Trumbo's 1970 Introduction to his novel Johnny Got His Gun

Read this while starting JGHG. I thought it was really powerful and it spoke to me. So I decided to post it.

"Eleven years later. Numbers have dehumanized us. Over breakfast coffee we read of 40,000 Americans dead in Vietnam. Instead of vomiting, we reach for the toast. Our morning rush through crowded streets is not to cry murder but to hit that trough before somebody else gobbles our share.
"An equation: 40,000 dead young men = 3,000 tons of bone and flesh, 124,000 pounds of brain matter, 50,000 gallons of blood, 1,840,000 years of life that will never be lived, 100,000 children who will never be born. (The last we can afford: there are too many starving children in the world already.)

"Do we scream in the night when it touches our dreams? No. We don't dream about it because we don't think about it; we don't think about it because we don't care about it. We are much more interested in law and order, so that American streets may be made safe while we transform those of Vietnam into flowing sewers of blood which we replenish each year by forcing our sons to choose between a prison cell here or a coffin there. 'Every time I look at the flag, my eyes fill with tears.' Mine too.

"If the dead mean nothing to us (except on Memorial Day weekend when the national freeway is clotted with surfers, swimmers, skiers, picnickers, campers. hunters, fishers, footballers, beer-busters), what of our 3000,000 wounded? Does anyone know where they are? How they feel? How many arms, legs, ears, noses, mouths, faces, penises they've lost? How many are deaf or dumb or blind or all three? How many are single or double or triple or quadruple amputees? How many will remain immobile for the rest of their days? How many hang on as decerebrated vegetables quietly breathing their lives away in small, dark, secret rooms?

"Write the Army, the Air Force, the Navy, the Marine Corps, the Army and Navy Hospitals, the Director of Medical Sciences at the National Library of Medicine, the Veterans Administration, the Office of the Surgeon General - and be surprised by what you don't learn. One agency reports 726 admissions "for amputation services" since January, 1965. Another reports 3,011 amputees since the beginning of the fiscal year 1968. The rest is silence.

"The Annual Report of the Surgeon General: Medical Statistics of the United States Army ceased publication in 1954. The Library of Congress reports that the Army Office of the Surgeon General for Medical Statistics 'does not have figures on single or multiple amputees.' Either the government doesn't think them important or, in the words of a researcher for one of the national television networks, 'the military itself, while sure of how many tons of bombs it has dropped, is unsure of how many legs and arms its men have lost.'

"If there are no concrete figures, at least we are beginning to get comparative ones. Proportionately, Vietnam has given us eight times as many paralytics as World War II, three times as many totally disabled, 35% more amputees. Senator Cranston of California concludes that out of every hundred army veterans receiving compensation for wounds received in action in Vietnam, 12.4% are totally disabled. Totally.

"But exactly how many hundreds or thousands of the dead-while-living does that give us? We don't know. We don't ask. We turn away from them; we avert the eyes, ears, nose, mouth, face. 'Why should I look, it wasn't my fault, was it?' It was, of course, but no matter. Time presses. Death waits even for us. We have a dream to pursue, the whitest white hope of them all, and we must follow and find it before the light fails.

"So long, losers. God bless. Take care. We'll be seeing you."
  • Current Music
    Digitalism - Jupiter Room,
Regular Show

My moods atm and books

I'm pretty damn pissed off at my parents right now. Just their attitudes with my depression or whatever the hell I have. They expect me to solve this all on my own with them not involved. They even told me "You have to do this all by yourself". Okay, not the best parenting in my opinion, especially when your child suffers from mental illness but if they were emotionally supportive, then I wouldn't mind all that much. But they're not. My depression is always swept under the carpet and ever since I was a kid when I had emotional breakdowns (At eleven, I thought about killing myself), I was always labeled for being too over dramatic. My mom doesn't like to deal with one bit. Her response to everything related to the subject is usually "Go to Kaiser" and that's it. But at least she usually acknowledges that I have something wrong with me. Jen on the other hand, after 19 years of my existence and a long history of these kind of behaviors doubts that I have serious depression because I "laugh a lot whenever I'm with friends" and she also likes to imply that I'm doing this for attention. I talk to my friends about it, some who don't even have a hint of mental illness unlike me, and even they think that's bullshit. Honestly Jennifer, what part of "I have a chemical imbalance" is so fucking hard for you to understand? I can't feel happy when life is good. I know I'm better off than most people in the world but sometimes I can't even see that. Even if birds could truly sing, the sky was a lovely blue, and all was right in the world, I still might feel like shit. The sad thing is, a few years back, when we just starting to figure this out, you were actually pretty supportive. You gave me tips to how to deal, and even though I didn't always take them to heart (which I now regret), I still very much appreciated them. But now, you brush me off as an overly imaginative drama queen with some morbid fascination. It's really cause me a lot of pain. Jen, what exactly do I have to do for you to take me seriously? Put a gun to my head and threaten to pull the trigger? What exactly? Please tell me.

Despite what you believe, I don't like this anymore than you do. Frankly, it scares me that I have a mood disorder, but as soon as I get a proper diagnoses and get the right meds, I'll be happy. I won't have an interest in death anymore and I would just want to move on with my life. To be honestly, that's the only thing I truly want in life right now. I know you're scared, but please, all I'm asking you guys is to be there for me.

In happier news, went to the DMV today and officially got my permit renewed this time (About damn time too. Just the last week, I went there a total of four times. Unless you work there, nobody should have to go there that many times in such a short period. It's just sad and depressing). This time, I really need to not fool around and work to get my licence. I'm going to schedule more lessons asap. I also got Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo from the Library on Sunday. I just heard of it after being exposed to that Metallica song that was based on the original book. I thought the premise was horrifying at first, but after thinking about it for a few days, I thought it sounded very interesting, so I decided to give it a look. I'm also probably going to check out books of similar nature, namely The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Born on the Fourth of July (the latter will be added to my ever growing collection of "Books that Natasha has read but has not seen the much more famous movie adaptions" lol).
  • Current Music
    Kavinsky - Nightcall (feat. Lovefoxxx)

Another Music Meme (Cause why not?)

This one sounds actually interesting. Plus it helps me track what type of music I have in my iTunes

Put your iTunes/Winamp/WMP on shuffle.
Say the following questions aloud, and press play.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
NO CHEATING unless the songs you get don’t make any damned sense. (What if the song just sucks though?)

1.How does the world see me? New Order - Age of Consent
B..B..But I'm legal!
2.Will I have a happy life? Cut Copy - Far Away (The Golden Filter Remix)
What the hell does this even mean?
3.What do my friends really think of me? Muse - Endlessly
Awwww, they think of me endlessly? Aw, you guuuuyyyss :3
4.Do people secretly lust after me? MGMT - 4th Dimensional Transition
Sooo...uh...I got nothing
5.How can I make myself happy? - Basshunter - Why
Why? What do you mean why? I wanna be happy dammit!
6.What should I do with my life? Barenaked Ladies - In The Car
I think this is the internet's way of telling me to get my license and my car.
7.Will I ever have children? Thom Yorke - Atoms For Peace
Oh wise frontman of Radiohead, will I ever pass down my genes?
8.What is some good advice for me? Justice - Stress
Stop stressing? Lol, I wish I knew how to do that
9.How will I be remembered? - Beach Boys - I Get Around
So, either a huge party animal or a gigantic slut. I'm hoping for the former
10.What is my signature dancing song? Lady GaGa - Poker Face (Jody Den Broeder Remix)
Aw HELL YEAH! This honestly couldn't be more true
11.What do I think my current theme song is? The Human League - Being Boiled
Uh, I guess.....
12.What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Basshunter - I Can't Deny(featuring Lauren)
Goddamn, gtfo off my meme Basshunter. You already had your turn
13.What song will play at my funeral? The All American Rejects - Move Along
Yeah, maybe if I was 14
14.What type of women do I like? Platters - Only You
Only you, baby. Whoever you are. Probably Tats.
15.What is my day going to be like? N!KON - Phonics
If only it was Tik Tok....
16.Will I ever have love again? Kaskade - Your Love is Black
Soooooo, that's a no then?
17.What type of sex life do I have? New Order - Let's Go (Nothing For Me)
Uhhhh, okay?
What song would be the title of my own porno movie? BT - Forget Me
That's weird. You're weird.
  • Current Music
    BT - Forget Me

And the party don't start till I walk in (why the fuck did I type that?)

Gonna update more. Ideally every day or every other. Because I think it's important to get my feelings down. So I'm gonna be exactly like Dougie Howser or Carrie from Sex and The City.

I hate having mood swings. Like one moment, I feel like shit and hopeless and I feel like crying. And the next I feel content. And rarely, I feel fantastic. Maybe's it's a mix up in my meds. I dunno. I really need to talk to my psychiatrist. In fact, I need to get more organized period.
  • Current Music
    The Progidy - Thunder

I'm gonna do something crazy

 ...I'm gonna apply to 50 jobs this weekend. Yes, that's right. 50. I must hit gold somewhere 

Suck it mom and Jen.

Also, Netflix Instant Queue doesn't have Pootie Tang. What in the fuckery? They also don't have IT. Fuck this....
  • Current Music
    Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine

Another Music Meme!

Soundtrack To Your Life

Opening Credits: Quequ'un M'a Dit -Carla Bruni
Wake Up: Lucky- Britney Spears
Average Day: We Started Nothing - The Tings Tings
First Date: As If By Magic - La Roux
Fall In Love: Just Dance (HCCR's Bambossa Dub) - Lady GaGa
Love Scene: Little Shadow - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Fight Scene: When I Go - Siminian
Breaking Up: 99 Luftballons - Nena
Getting Back Together: A Dustyland Fairytale - The Killers
Secret Love: Rebel - iiO
Life Is Good: It's A Beautiful Life - Ace of Base
Mental Breakdown: Strangers In The Wind - Cut/Copy
Driving: (White Man) In Hammersmith Palais - The Clash
Learning A Lesson: Lose My Breath - Destiny's Child
Deep Thought: Take Me To The Hospital - The Prodigy
Helping A Friend: Love Is Gone - David Guetta
Partying: Bad Romance (Kaskade Remix) - Lady GaGa
Happy Dance: True To Life- Royskopp
Regretting: Manhattan - Kings of Leon
Laughing: Spitting Games - Snow Parol
Leaving: Amsterdam - Coldplay
Missing: Jam - Michael Jackson
Long Night Alone: Love Is The End - Keane
Falling Asleep: Scream My Name - LMFAO
Closing Credits: Why Can't I Have You - The Cars

  • Current Mood
Lady GaGa


So about a few days ago, I just discovered something that I should've realized about three years ago;


Seriously, I think that is the cornerstone of my depression. It's because I don't have enough friends to support me. My family has been awesome and supportive lately, but they can only do so much, y'know. I feel like I missed out on alot of awesome things because I didn't have enough friends to do them with.

And it's not because I'm shy (I'm still am but I'm alot more outgoing than I was two years ago) but I can also be cynical and a huge misanthrope. Like I'm too quick to internally judge people. I don't think I've ever been so wanting of something yet so afraid of at the same time.

But I'm going to a rave in downtown Berkeley tonight so I should meet some new people there. Right? :)

(And btw, Tati, if you're reading this, this is not an attack on you at all. You're awesome and have been an awesome friend all these years. Keep being fierce!)
  • Current Music
    Lady GaGa- The Fame Monster

Insert some inspirational quote about the bright future here.

On Friday, something happend that I've been waiting to happen for atleast more than two years.

I'm finally being treated medically for my depression and anxiety.

Currently, I'm on Zoloft and my dose if a half a pill a day (those pills are tiny!). I just started taking them on Friday. My mom and my psychiatrist told me that I wouldn't really notice a change until one or two weeks but I already feel better. I know anti depressants aren't magic pills that will miraciously wish my problems away but knowing for the first time in years, I'm taking a big step forward. I think this will mark a new chapter in my life.

On with other stuff.......

Since the Chemistry class I was supposed to take didn't go through and I've been let go of my job, I've had alot of free time for myself. I've been watching alot of Tv and movies. I started watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia but then I got bored of it during the second season. Don't get me wrong, I find it really funny but I don't think it's one of those shows I can watch for five hours straight. I need to get back to it though. I've also been watching Mad Men, which is really good. I'm still on the first season and since it's an hour long show, it's gonna take forever to get through but it's worth it. I heard season 3 is gonna start up again this month which makes me really excited. After I watch that series, I'm gonna start watching True Blood.

As for movies, I was watching The Wicker Man remake with Nicolas Cage on Thursday night. Forget about anything bad you heard about that movie. It's hilarious. Whoever said it was the best comedy of 2006 is right. Seriously, check it out. The whole thing is a lolfest. On Friday night, I got high and watched Showgirls. All. Of. It. And not the hilariously bad edited on Vh1. The unedited version. Thing is, I was high, and while I was aware of how awful the movie was, I was also really getting into it. Like I was really enjoying it. Until that really graphic and gratoius rape scene kinda dragged me out of the movie and then I realized how bad it was. If I wasn't on something, I don't think I would've gotten through the whole thing.

And I just got back from seeing 500 Days of Summer and it's really good. Joesph Gordon-Levitt is amazing. I would never imagined that the kid from Third Rock from the Sun would grow up to be hot but I was wrong. My favorite part was the soundtrack, which I just downloaded (but then again, that was partly because  have WAY too much dance/electronic music in my iTunes library right now and need something to even it out).
  • Current Music
    Michael Jackson - Black Or White (R.I.P)