May 6th, 2011

Regular Show

My moods atm and books

I'm pretty damn pissed off at my parents right now. Just their attitudes with my depression or whatever the hell I have. They expect me to solve this all on my own with them not involved. They even told me "You have to do this all by yourself". Okay, not the best parenting in my opinion, especially when your child suffers from mental illness but if they were emotionally supportive, then I wouldn't mind all that much. But they're not. My depression is always swept under the carpet and ever since I was a kid when I had emotional breakdowns (At eleven, I thought about killing myself), I was always labeled for being too over dramatic. My mom doesn't like to deal with one bit. Her response to everything related to the subject is usually "Go to Kaiser" and that's it. But at least she usually acknowledges that I have something wrong with me. Jen on the other hand, after 19 years of my existence and a long history of these kind of behaviors doubts that I have serious depression because I "laugh a lot whenever I'm with friends" and she also likes to imply that I'm doing this for attention. I talk to my friends about it, some who don't even have a hint of mental illness unlike me, and even they think that's bullshit. Honestly Jennifer, what part of "I have a chemical imbalance" is so fucking hard for you to understand? I can't feel happy when life is good. I know I'm better off than most people in the world but sometimes I can't even see that. Even if birds could truly sing, the sky was a lovely blue, and all was right in the world, I still might feel like shit. The sad thing is, a few years back, when we just starting to figure this out, you were actually pretty supportive. You gave me tips to how to deal, and even though I didn't always take them to heart (which I now regret), I still very much appreciated them. But now, you brush me off as an overly imaginative drama queen with some morbid fascination. It's really cause me a lot of pain. Jen, what exactly do I have to do for you to take me seriously? Put a gun to my head and threaten to pull the trigger? What exactly? Please tell me.

Despite what you believe, I don't like this anymore than you do. Frankly, it scares me that I have a mood disorder, but as soon as I get a proper diagnoses and get the right meds, I'll be happy. I won't have an interest in death anymore and I would just want to move on with my life. To be honestly, that's the only thing I truly want in life right now. I know you're scared, but please, all I'm asking you guys is to be there for me.

In happier news, went to the DMV today and officially got my permit renewed this time (About damn time too. Just the last week, I went there a total of four times. Unless you work there, nobody should have to go there that many times in such a short period. It's just sad and depressing). This time, I really need to not fool around and work to get my licence. I'm going to schedule more lessons asap. I also got Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo from the Library on Sunday. I just heard of it after being exposed to that Metallica song that was based on the original book. I thought the premise was horrifying at first, but after thinking about it for a few days, I thought it sounded very interesting, so I decided to give it a look. I'm also probably going to check out books of similar nature, namely The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Born on the Fourth of July (the latter will be added to my ever growing collection of "Books that Natasha has read but has not seen the much more famous movie adaptions" lol).
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